Things had been changing in my life that I could not control. Changes are constant in everyone’s life and I can accept that they happen – sometimes for the good and about as equally for the not so good. What the changes happening to me were don’t matter here, but they all seemed to be, well, let’s just say not good at all. And to make things worse, they were the kinds of changes and setbacks I couldn’t do a thing about. I felt as powerless as a broken down boat tossed on a stormy sea – blown this way and that by winds of change and threatened by the growing waves pushing me onto some implacable rocks. There seemed to be no solutions and I was getting more and more out of control until it struck me – what is the sailor’s last resort when his boat is foundering and the situation seems hopeless? “Abandon Ship!” It seems crazy to jump into stormy waters, leaving the ship behind. But the ship was sinking, and swimming on my own, while seeming more dangerous, offered a better chance at making it to safety. “Yes, abandon ship,” I thought, “Embrace the change. Go on and make even more changes. Change everything, shake it all up and see what sorts out.” I was at a point in life where I could use some changes, but I needed some I could control. You know, go to some new places, meet new people and do some different things, at least for a while, and see what happens.
I spent some time thinking about the nature of change - how it happens, the ways it affects people differently, and how to stay on top of it when, despite all my efforts otherwise, it pops up and surprises you. I discovered nothing earth-shattering, but in a broad way, I decided this: Change happens every day - most of it out of my hands and the only way to deal with that is to give up human illusions of control, and be calm, flexible, and accepting.
Instead of fighting the changes, I accepted them. I sold my house without finding a new place to live. With no place to put it, it was a little easier to sell, give away, and trash all the furniture, clothes, and things I’d accumulated. I quit my job of five years without having a new one waiting. And hardest of all, for the second time I had to let go of someone very special to me who decided her future lay elsewhere.
There is a certain calm to be found when what’s done is done and all there is left to do is wait for the result. Like when you just handed in that huge project and you’re waiting to see what the professor or boss thinks. When you are standing there with a bat in your hand and the owner of the shattered window is looking out at you with your ball in their hand. Imagine that feeling multiplied by your house, job and all previous plans for your future. There is a calm that arrives when there is absolutely nothing you can do to change the course of events, and I felt at peace about it. Some might call it equanimity. I call it terrorized calm.
Part of me still strives to change things around me, though, and I decided to accept that too and see how to make something positive out of it. “What next?” became “Now that I’m free, what have I always wanted to make happen?”
Since I can remember, I’ve always been drawn to water and wet activities. Pools, swim teams, sailing, snorkelling, canoeing, rafting, life-guarding, scuba diving, beaches and tropical destinations beat like a pulse through the story of my life. I had lessons so young that I cannot remember a time when I couldn’t swim. It should come as no shock to anyone knowing me that, about six years ago, I found my happiness as a Dive Instructor. While I quit my job I was only quitting where it was happening, I don’t think I’ll ever quit diving and teaching in some form or another. One of my realizations was that I really like certain kinds of change - changing things for other people by helping them achieve their personal goals underwater. Positive change that they as students controlled and I controlled teaching it to them. “Hmmmm,” I thought, “What else can I do that involves water and change in a positive, do something for others kind of way?”
The second passion in my life is travel. Industrialized world, Third World, kitschy tourist or deep soul-moving, natural beauty, if it’s something I haven’t laid eyes on before, it’s probably on the ever-changing mental list I keep of places to go see. Diving has taken me to some of the most amazing places on the planet – places I thought I’d never get to see with magical names like
(The trouble is that as each one gets checked off that mental list, at least two more are discovered to replace them with. You’ve probably heard of
Just days later I met a girl buying fins for a dive trip that she seemed really excited about. Not just any dive trip - she was joining a volunteer Marine Conservation Project in the
GVI offered 31 flavors of change. It’s a chance to visit somewhere totally exotic for an extended period of time so you get to know it differently and better than as a visitor. Work with other volunteers who share my concerns for the planet and oceans. Contribute scientifically to something greater than myself. Live simply (and maybe rough it a little,) making a change from my Western luxury-driven existence. Do something positive for the environment. Meet locals and work with them to further the protection of coral reefs. Give up work, home, and for a time, family and friends while discovering something about me. Change my climate, continent, hemisphere, altitude, diet, and time zone, too.
Now that I’m here in the Seychelles, five weeks into my ten week expedition, sitting here sweating at this keyboard and going way off the topic I thought I’d be writing about, I realize it’s been everything I’d hoped for plus some unexpected things too. (I can name 14 families of hard corals and 47 genera, too. In latin! Can you?) But the most important one I’d never thought of and really surprised me. One of the first nights here, we had a camp-wide meeting and went around the room, telling the brief story of our lives, how we had come to be in that room at that moment, what we hoped to get out of our experience and what we were planning to do next. What struck me the hardest was how many of these people I’d just met were struggling with the same things I was! Unsure what to do with the life they found themselves living. Vaguely thinking that despite achieving many goals, something wasn’t quite right, but struggling to find a new direction. Drawn here to do something and make a difference, even in a small way. Looking for a change. Wanting to change things themselves. Making a change instead of letting life’s changes just happen to them. Like me, they had embraced outside change in order to effect a change within. Suddenly, I realized I’m never really alone and I felt very warm and comforted.
I don’t know where this all will lead. I don’t expect to achieve some mystical “Siddartha”-like state as a result of my travels and experiences. But by discovering the huge variety of life in all the places I’ve been and people I’ve met, now I own a bigger set of tools to deal with any changes that come along. My next step in life? Unknown. Job. School. Travel. Start a business. All good possibilities. Run away again to find some combination of the these? Who knows? But wherever I go and whatever I end up doing, I’ll embrace the changes that come along.
